I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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