So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
