My sheets look like a crime scene.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
My vagina just recognized that song.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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