just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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