Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
