fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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