Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
