good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
