The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
