I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
