I can text with my tongue
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
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