i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
