never play flip cup with pint glasses
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
