There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
