My hair reeks of homosexuality.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
