I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
