making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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