Will you blow on my dice?
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
