I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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