Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
