so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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