dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
