Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
