There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
