I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
