used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
