Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It's official drugs can't kill me
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
