Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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