I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
