oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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