You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
