When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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