I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
