Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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