Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
