i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
