Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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