They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Randomize
