i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
