Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
