Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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