ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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