Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
