i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
