A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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