Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Let's paint friendship bongs
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The Olympian is in my bed
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
