if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
