Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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