mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
