You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
