Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
