I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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