you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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