im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize