she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
