I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
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