my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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