he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
